http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/021188.html

Drunk girl: Use your better judgment!
Drunk friend: I don't have that!

--1 Train

http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/021187.html

Little girl: What's a credit card?
Father: That, you don't need to know.

--Wachovia ATM, Broadway & 10th St

http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/021186.html

Gay guy #1: Nice shoes!
Gay guy #2: Thanks. I got them by doing sexual favors... just like everything else I own.

--1 Train

Overheard by: Julia

http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/021185.html

Disco-glam drag queen: It was! It was baby oil, and I knew it!

--Rubulad, Bed-Stuy

Overheard by: Katie

Black drag queen in kimono: I'm a corn pone Southern faggot, we do not do yoga.

--Tribeca

Overheard by: Ryan K

Hysterical Latina transvestite: My life is in my ass, mijo!

--2 Train

Overheard by: Jean

Drag queen hooker to older lady staring at her: You so wish you could wear a onesie like me.

--MTA

http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/021184.html

Teen to friends: I want to get a haircut, but every time I get a haircut I get arrested.

--Union Square

Cashier: This line is closed! Unless one of y'all wants to drive me to my hair appointment!

--Home Depot

Woman to friend: Why can't he have a normal man haircut? Like, with short sides?

--Dekalb Ave & Oxford

Overheard by: Daniel Boris Dzula

Manic lady to no one in particular: Pay homage to my hair!

--B61 Bus

Drunk hipster: Donald Trump's hair is the Blarney Stone of New York.

--East Village

Overheard by: Concerned Irishman

http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/weekly/~3/y4dJScIhu1s/evolution_going_great_reports

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/evolution_going_great_reports?utm_source=onion_rss_daily

http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/021183.html

Young child to mother: I am not psychic.

--Downtown B Train

Overheard by: furf

Normal-looking guy: But we have the complexity of magic!

--NYU

Asian Bikram instructor: Listen to your breast and find your inner piss.

--Park Slope

Overheard by: Bikram Curious

Thug on cell: You don't know what kind of drugs they gave you, or if you really blacked out. But you have to understand that the spiritual world and the physical world are two different things. (pause) I don't have evidence of a spiritual world. (pause) You know that guy Des-cart? That's his name, right?

--Hunter College

Overheard by: trapped@hunter

Guy on phone: Listen, Julian, you are a shit-ass excuse for a friend. You can lick the peanut butter from between my toes. (pause) Listen, Julian, I'm on the other line with my psychic, let me call you back.

--49th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Lara

http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/021182.html

Suit on cell: And three girls we know will be there. They're all hideous. But at least they're girls.

--28th & 5th

Overheard by: Heinz

Man in suit: The building is surrounded by outside. Right before you go in and when you come out, you are outside!

--Downtown A Train

Overheard by: The Green Cat

Suit whining on cell: Aw, come on! I wanna be on top this time!

--Flushing

Overheard by: Zee

Suit: The only time I wore socks last year was during my swearing in.

--Maiden & William

Suit: You know, we should probably just send a company-wide email in the morning: "hey guys, we're fucked."

--Wall St

Overheard by: Tamcakes

http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/weekly/~3/l1ryEvS7wGc/african_americans_go_from

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/african_americans_go_from?utm_source=onion_rss_daily

http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/weekly/~3/aQq01iybQ_A/some_of_mans_most_important

http://www.theonion.com/content/infograph/some_of_mans_most_important?utm_source=onion_rss_daily

http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/weekly/~3/BkxeaT224YU/internet_archaeologists_find

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/internet_archaeologists_find?utm_source=onion_rss_daily

http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/weekly/~3/QZEq5K7ULJQ/frito_lay_scientists

http://www.theonion.com/content/radio_news/frito_lay_scientists?utm_source=onion_rss_daily

http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/weekly/~3/LPnYIQcgd-A/a_long_elaborate_history

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_in_photos/a_long_elaborate_history?utm_source=onion_rss_daily

http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/weekly/~3/NSrULFn_cIc/early_humans_finally_drunk

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/early_humans_finally_drunk?utm_source=onion_rss_daily

http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/weekly/~3/V8KEXfMoQq8/woman_domesticated

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/woman_domesticated?utm_source=onion_rss_daily

http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/021181.html

Guy: I hope you got a fuckin' Dixie Cup, 'cause that's what you're gonna need to hold it!

--42nd & 5th

Middle aged suit, to no one in particular: Spoon! Spoooon! Spooooon!

--Au Bon Pain, Broad St

Overheard by: Sarah Booz

Young guy with backpack to young wife: Teacup, teacup, teacup, teacup, teacup.

--Sheridan Square

Crazy hobo on subway: Hey you! Did you take my spoon? I know you took my spoon! Why would you do that to a guy?

--Uptown 3 Train

Overheard by: Scared British Tourist

Indignant yuppie: I wanted to stab her with a fork! It's a good thing we were at a sushi restaurant.

--69th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Rose Fox

http://www.theonion.com/content/amvo/henry_ford_modernizes_production?utm_source=onion_rss_daily

http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/theonion/weekly/~3/GKmReb_EMTo/duane_takes_off_owing_roommates_1

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/duane_takes_off_owing_roommates_1?utm_source=onion_rss_daily

http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/021180.html

Blonde white girl to another: And I was all like, "I'm not throwing the baby over the fence!"

--Spring St

Overheard by: Maria Emma

Girl to mother: Oh, look at daddy with the baby in one hand and the bottle of bourbon in the other. And in the morning, too!

--Williamsburg

Condom vendor: Obama and McCain election special condoms! 3 for $10 and 1 for $5, all cheaper than a baby!

--Times Square

Overheard by: Aalok

Mom with stroller to friend: She's incapacitated already, so she might as well have his baby.

--6th Ave & 4th St

http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/archives/021179.html

Guy, rushing into room: Guys, come here. I need a witness in the bathroom right now.

--Times Square

Screaming Latino stepping into urinal: Ah! Ah! Ah! Sorry y'all, I just got dem crabs, so it hurts when it comes out.

--South Ferry

Voice from cubicle emitting diarrhea sounds the day after Yom Kippur: Ugh, Jewish holidays.

--Broadway

Woman coming out of bathroom: I just heard the woman in the stall next to me say, "I love my ample taint."

--Astoria

Overheard by: Alison R